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Echoes from the Loafers’ Club Meeting

I asked my 94-year-old mother if she needed anything from the grocery store. She said she did.

And you were a dutiful son and did the shopping for her?

No, I gave her my list. There was no use in both of us going out into the nasty weather.

Driving by Bruce’s drive

I have a wonderful neighbor named Bruce. Whenever I pass his drive, thoughts occur to me. I’ve been ringing the bells for the Salvation Army regularly. People are so generous. I said “Happy Thanksgiving” and “Merry Christmas” to so many people that some said “You, too” before I had a chance to wish them anything. The temps were cold, but it was no problem. I put warm mashed potatoes in my pockets and that kept my body thawed.

I had been busily bloviating in Arizona and made a stop in Jerome, once a booming copper-mining town, where a fellow asked me what the five C’s of Arizona were. I thought it’d be a good idea to lead by guessing copper. I added cattle, climate, cactus and alfalfa. Alfalfa because I wanted to get one A. Cactus and alfalfa were wrong. Cotton and citrus were the missing two, although both have fallen behind the production of alfalfa and lettuce.

I’ve learned

Losing something can be the best way to find something else.

Will Rogers said, “There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

Warning signs give people idiotic ideas.

One of my shoes doesn’t seem right.

Thoughts of Thanksgiving

It’s not easy quitting cold turkey.

What smelled best at dinner were noses.

I heard no one say, “Please put the kale away, I can’t stop eating the stuff.”

Even bad lefse is good. Some people (me) claim it’s a health food and should be covered by health insurance.

A veteran tiler enjoyed the trench toast.

I like Jell-O with a deep red flavor.

I walked through a cemetery and was thankful I could walk through a cemetery.

Bad jokes department

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Is a garbage truck a food truck to a raccoon?

Why is Susan so lazy?

There was a big sale at the LEGO store. People lined up for blocks.

Nature notes

I put out peanuts in the shell for the blue jays, which weighed the peanuts by picking them up as if they were miniature barbells and, after some consideration, took the heaviest ones first because there was more food in them. My wife says blue jays are just a bit smarter than I am. She’s not giving them enough credit. I imagine a blue jay looks at those peanuts and says to itself, “Wow! I’m rich.”

A reader from Connecticut scatters peanuts around her yard and watches how quickly the blue jays find the goobers. Jays notice anything different in their world—that’s how they survive.

A wild turkey hen preens on our deck. An adult turkey has 5,000 to 6,000 feathers and she appeared intent on sprucing up every feather her bill could reach. She sorts through her feathers as if she were counting them. You can tell a female turkey’s poop from a male’s. That’s a handy skill to have and will astound your family when you share this bit of knowledge at next year’s Thanksgiving meal. Take that Aunt Agatha, who claims to have once shaken hands with Ross Perot and reminds everyone of that at every opportunity. Male droppings are J-shaped; female droppings are spiral-shaped. The larger the diameter, the older the bird. Turkey beards start growing when poults are five months old and keep growing throughout their lives. They are permanent and not replaced during molts. The older the male, the longer the beard. Turkeys can lose their beards due to a vitamin deficiency or they could snap off from the weight of snow and ice that collects on beards. Beards can become frayed from being dragged on the ground. Some toms grow more than one beard. The National Turkey Wildlife Federation found a tom with 13 beards. The longest beard was on a turkey in Texas and was 22.5 inches long. That turkey played a guitar with the band ZZ Top. A less prominent version of a beard occurs in 10% to 20% of females.

Meeting adjourned

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” — Leo Buscaglia.