QUESTION: “Meltdowns” are increasing in our household. What can we do?

 ANSWER: If we hope to parent without having our own regular meltdowns, we really do need to have several different coping strategies to try with our children when they are moving toward a meltdown.

The first thing to remember is that when we adults get irritated, snap at our family or use a harsh tone of voice, it is often because we are tired, hungry or stressed and what we need is some rest, healthy food, fresh air and exercise or someone with time to listen and a comforting voice. It is no different with our children.

When my first child was a pre-schooler, there would be inevitable times of mother-child “stand-offs.” I was determined that something was to be done and he was just as determined that he was not going to do it.

The battle line had been drawn and it was clear that we were adversaries. I remember the first time that I sighed and dropped to my knees and said, “This is not going well. We need to hug.” We took our time in a comforting hug and then I said, “Let’s try this again.” Those were the times that helped us become problem-solving partners.

Child psychologist Kirk Martin, author of Celebrating Calm, suggests that when our children are upset, frustrated or say or do things they shouldn’t, we respond with “That doesn’t sound like you. That sounds like frustration.” Then see if we can get them moving — going for a walk, doing something with us — while we help them through their frustration. We are separating the behavior from the person. It’s calming.

A simple intervention that I learned that has been helpful personally and with children is the simple act of getting a drink of cold water. When our emotions escalate, our body temperature rises. Getting a cold drink of water accomplishes two important strategies: first, it provides a needed interruption in behavior that’s spiraling in the wrong direction and second, it physically “cools us down” by lowering our body temperature.

Learning self-control is hard work and the family is the best place to practice.

To talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in child-raising, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204. For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out www.familiesandcommunities.org and free resources at the Parenting Resource Center Specialty Library (105 First Street SE, Austin).